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She's after my man...she's too needy...she can't rear her kids right. Do you believe these myths or are you envious of the single mom's independence?
What married moms don't get about single mothers
Seeded on Tue Apr 6, 2010 12:39 PM EDT
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My first clash with a married mom happened when my son, Spencer, was still in diapers. Driving home one night, I was involved in a fender-bender, so I called a neighbor--a married nurse with two girls who attended the same day care as my son--and asked her to pick up my child. Although just a minor accident, I expected this woman to be more sympathetic. She’s a nurse, right? But she clearly sounded annoyed at my request: “Okay, just this once,” she barked. And hurry up, don’t stop anywhere.”
Stop where? Did married moms think we went to singles bars every night after work or a car accident?
- 10 votes
#1 - Tue Apr 6, 2010 12:40 PM EDTenvious of the single mom's independence?
I would hardly call what single moms have "independence".
- 16 votes
No kidding! And I may be totally oblivious here but, as far as I know, I've never had a married mother treat me badly for being a single (divorced) mother.
- 10 votes
I've been a single mother and a married mother. I far prefer being single and yes, I had more independence single than I did married. Now, compared to a single woman with no children, no, I didn't have her freedom. But we're probably equal in the independence category.
I'm speaking in the past tense because my children were grown long ago. Looking back, the only thing I would do different is to never marry in the first place.
As to how married women treated me, I've got good friends who have been married since I met them, friends who've been in and out of marriage during our friendship and friends who've always been single, so I'm not sure being married had anything to do with how other women treated me as a single mother.
However, I did this long before single parenthood was common or acceptable. I was the first single parent in my circle of acquaintances. So yes, I did run into a lot of people who didn't think much of me or my circumstances. That changed as the culture changed.
- 8 votes
I far prefer being single and yes, I had more independence single than I did married.
Well, if a marriage is rotten than I definitely think a single mother has more independence than a married mother. Independence is something you create for yourself. Whether or not you are married or have children is not a direct cause for independence or dependence.
- 8 votes
All I know is that motherhood is hard, period. I've never been a single mother, but my husband worked 80 to 90 hours a week and slept the rest of the time, so sometimes I felt single in that respect. I never gave anyone a hard time for being a single mother it's tough enough as it is.
- 10 votes
I'm a single mom and the single best thing about is the absolute authority I have over my kids. I don't have to compromise or even be bothered with anyone's opinion. The next best thing is blowing all of those stereotypical ideas about single motherhood out of the water.
Now, will I suggest that all moms be single moms? Heck no!! But, if you do find yourself raising your kids alone, there are a lot of perks if you learn how to recognize them, instead of moaning and groaning about the fact that you are a single mom.
DISCLAIMER: I've never been married or even had a live-in baby daddy (I had to let my kids' dad go), so I really have no idea what the other side is like.
- 8 votes
I've been both single and married as a mom and there are positives to both. Yes you have a lot more independence when you are single and you do have help, everybody wants to help you when you are single (even if they are just trying to get in your pants).When you are single you can do everything your way, and if someone has something to say about it it is none of their business. I guess if you have an involved ex though, he would have a say, but that is balanced out by his contribution. Just as it is nice to have a partner, it's nice for the kids too.
- 4 votes
The perks for me was an ability to control my own life, my finances and my decisions concerning my children. I didn't have to wait on someone else to provide input (although I often sought input) and make up their mind as to what should be done.
I also could fashion my life in a way that satisfied me. Whether it was where to spend my time, what hobbies or how to decorate my home, I saw myself reflected in all I did.
I am an introvert who enjoys spending time alone deep in thought. That makes me lousy wife material. I don't want someone to take care of first thing in the morning. I want to be able to sit down and write in silence and peace. Or go outside and spend a quiet morning with my animals and garden. Or get up before dawn and go to the beach or the mountains. On the spur of the moment. Without explaining to anyone why I want to do what I am going to do.
Of course, when my children were small, I included them. That was great too. I got to show them life as I viewed it, not as others dictated it.
They are grown now, and I don't have to include anyone or think of their welfare before mine. I wouldn't trade that freedom for anything in the world.
- 4 votes
I am an introvert who enjoys spending time alone deep in thought. That makes me lousy wife material.
Actually that is not true, in fact i encourage those qualities in my better half, the only issue has been teaching her to get away from her parents', train of taught, were EVERYBODY had to be included in a decision, no matter what they contributed.
- 1 vote
moltke5104: What do you mean by teaching her to get away from her parents'....I'm not following you.
- 1 vote
I think being an introvert makes you wonderful wife material! Loretta, it takes all kinds to make this world, and if we didn't have introverts, the extroverts would just go and emote all over everyone, never thinking how the rest of the world felt about it. We need introverts who THINK. :-)
- 3 votes
LOL. Nah, I tried it, didn't like it. Yes, it was a bad marriage, but I wouldn't have liked it much more if it had been a terrific marriage. I'm not the kind of person who enjoys the role of wife, especially as it was interpreted back then.
I'd rather clean a stable than a house. I'm a better brain surgeon than a housekeeper. I'm the kind of person who needs a wife, not the kind who wants to be a wife.
I absolutely love living on my own, even though I am not doing that at the moment. But my family is used to the fact that I will disappear into my own world and shut the door, leaving them on the other side. They take no offense because none is intended. On the other hand, that gives them great freedom too. They get to indulge their interests while I am indulging mine. They'll be leaving tonight to go camping. I could go, but I choose not to. They'll enjoy their vacation and so will I.
People used to laugh at me because they'd ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a hermit. Haven't changed my mind in all these years.
All of which means I'm better off not married and happier for it.
- 4 votes
what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a hermit.
Holy crap, this sounds familiar. :-)
I've never held to the common fallacy that humans are herd animals and have an innate biological need for constant social interaction and/or a "partner" in life.
Better to be alone than than to be with someone who gets offended at the idea of private time.
- 5 votes
MatB92: I don't see how Loretta is attacking married mothers.
- 1 vote
Mat, I haven't said a word about married mothers. I only discussed my own preferences.
Any more personal attacks will be deleted. They are violations of the CoH.
- 3 votes
If you click the link, you'll see that I did not write the article. I only seeded it. If you read my opinion on the article, you'll see I said I agreed with some points she made and disagreed with others.
If you want to hate me, you can do that. But you'll have to do it at a distance. I will not reply to any further false attacks on me, and I will continue to delete personal attacks.
- 4 votes
wanted to be when I grew up and I said a hermit.
I have applied for a hermit permit.
I have applied for a hermit permit.
Oh, my, I never thought of that. Hmmm...but isn't buying a permit buying into society's standards? Perhaps I'm confusing my categories. Does that more properly fall under rebel no-nos?
- 2 votes
You could be right. I think it's tiring to have to explain to people that I LIKE to be alone, I don't need to go out all of the time, I'm FINE. It is OKAY to be with me. Being alone does not equal lonely. The permit is free. :)
- 2 votes
I get tired of that too. They are so earnest in their concern that I should get out more. I do --- alone, in the canyons, walks in the park, early morning on the beach, etc.
But that doesn't count in their eyes. They seem to think time alone is time wasted and wanting to spend time alone is pathological in some way.
It wasn't that way when I was growing up. Everyone spent time alone, some more than others. I don't remember anyone being criticized for it or anyone being alarmed because of it.
The difference, IMO, is the constant bombardment of TV, movies, music, the rat race, traffic jams, and the like. They grew up with that, and it feels normal to them to be surrounded with noise.
I, on the other hand, completely enjoyed myself when we had a power outage. The neighborhood and my own home was silent except for the sounds of nature, as it was when I was a child. I hadn't realized how much background noise is in my own home (refrigerator humming, etc) until it was not there.
- 3 votes
I know. Too much noise. Now if only I could get rid of that pesky 15 year old. LOL!
I sent you a message btw.
- 1 vote
moltke5104: What do you mean by teaching her to get away from her parents'....I'm not following you.
Her parents want her to run every little decision by me for approval, not matter what it concerns. When she needed a text book, her wanted her to discuss buying it with me, even though she was using her own money. She needed a camera for photography, her parents wanted her to discuss the purchase with me, again she was going to buy it with her money, it seems to gone forever.
Even her father, the more logical of the two seemed to think i needed to be involved in those decisions as well as the one regarding replacing her IPOD battery, namely where to buy a new one (IPOD) (not necessary, i am good enough to replace those things myself). Even buying a pizza with her family takes hours of decision with her family (i am not exaggerating, when we were vacationing in Florida together they took the better of an hour to get 3 pizzas, they had been discussing it 3 hours prior, i literally had time to go to the hotel, shower, sleep, and come back and someone had just left to buy pizza).
What i am basically getting to, is i rather have someone who is introverted and can think fore themselves than someone i have to make every decision for, because in my profession i will be gone 1-2 weeks of the year, and i dont need to a phone call everyday about what groceries to buy, or where to get gas for the truck when i am out of state.
- 2 votes
That has nothing to do with introversion or extroversion. That's dysfunctional. Those parents have failed in their job to raise a competent adult. Decision making is one of the most important tools we can teach to our children. No one is competent if they cannot make a decision.
By not allowing her to learn how to make a decision and to feel competent while doing it, they've forced her to remain dependent for her entire life. That's really sad. It puts her at risk. Anyone who wants to abuse her can because she'll be afraid to defy them. How would she cope without them?
By teaching her that she isn't capable of making a decision on her one, they've also taught her permanent dependency. How handy for them. It creates a permanent subservient class for them. How can their adult children decide to get on with their life if they aren't allowed to make a decision without their parents' involvement?
Of course, they've also trapped themselves in the same web of dysfunctional dependency. Have they ever wondered what's going to happen when one of them needs life and death decisions made at a hospital and time is of the essence?
- 3 votes
Of course, they've also trapped themselves in the same web of dysfunctional dependency. Have they ever wondered what's going to happen when one of them needs life and death decisions made at a hospital and time is of the essence?
That is what i am trying to teach her to get away from, it seems every maternal figure in their family is a very controlling and manipulative presence. Her grandmother uses her age and sympathy to guilt everyone into spending more time with her, despite that when time is spend with her, she has nothing to say to the people there, you try to make conversation and you get absolutely nothing. Her mother used getting fired as a part time church secretary, and the ensuing depression to curtail that into not getting a job and living off the wages of her daughters and husband, granted she was let go over 15 years ago. It seems as though her mother is the primary culprit in all this, and even she cant seem to make a decision in time of need, as evidenced by her husband's heart attack 2-3 years ago. To this day if he runs a little late, she will call his cell every 5 minutes, and leave all lights on through out the day.
hat has nothing to do with introversion or extroversion
And it may surprise you, but i believe becoming more introverted does have a effect on making decisions for oneself. If she spends more time thinking to herself regarding solutions in her everyday life, instead of having to talk with someone regarding those issues than she will ultimately become more independent. However this is just a guess, but i hope it is right, i hate having to look after 2 people.
- 1 vote
Thinking for herself doesn't have anything to do with introversion or extroversion. These are ways of relating to the world based on how our brains work. Both introverts and extroverts need to and are able to make decisions on their own.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion
The trait of extraversion-introversion is a central dimension of human personality. Extraverts (also spelled extroverts[1]) tend to be gregarious, assertive, and interested in seeking out excitement. Introverts, in contrast, tend to be more reserved, less outgoing, and less sociable. They are not necessarily loners but they tend to have smaller circles of friends and are less likely to thrive on making new social contacts. Introverts are less likely to seek stimulation from others because their own thoughts and imagination are stimulating enough. A common misconception is that all introverts suffer from social anxiety or shyness. Introversion does not describe social discomfort but rather social preference. An introvert may not be shy at all but may merely prefer non social or less social activities.
http://www.socionics.com/main/types.htm
Extroverts are directed towards the objective world whereas Introverts are directed towards the subjective world.
- 1 vote
Not in the traditional sense, however i consider becoming less outgoing regarding some personal problems a step in the right direction. When she mentions things it seems as though she is looking for someone else to approve of the action she has decided to take regardless as to whether it affects that person. She will then give that person's suggestion a higher position of merit over her own ideas, regardless as to whether that suggestion has any true merit. So by becoming more introverted, since she has a tendency of being swayed by others opinions easily, such as her mother, i hope to achieve at least a little more free thinking, and more independence from her parents. Especially since most of her parents suggestions concern consulting me regarding the issue, typically before a decision that really only effects her is questioned by her parents by stating "Well are you going to talk to corie about it?".
Basically what i am trying to get her to understand is that certain things do not require discussion with others. Granted the availability of her father (he works at the university she attends), causes her mother to become involved in the decision making process by proxy when she discusses every problem with him. I guess my point is, that i would rather she become more introverted in a number of personal issues instead of discussing everyday problems and occurrences with family members who tend to try to manipulate every problem or situation to their advantage, as well as random folk on the street.
moltke5104: I get what you're saying about wanting someone who can think for themselves rather than someone who you need to make every decision for. I was just confused by your phrasing of having to "teach" her to get away from her parents; sounds like you want to her to have the confidence in herself to make these decisions without relying on others. Teaching someone - especially an adult when you're not their professor or teacher - kind of comes across like you'll just be replacing her parents as an authority figure, which you clearly don't want to do. Sounds to me like her parents are fairly controlling and treat her like she is incapable of making these decisions and that she believes them. Regardless - best of luck to you with that situation. Doesn't sound fun.
- 3 votes
Loretta Kemsley - I agree with you; I also wonder if her parents are a bit controlling - they like having her rely on them. There are parents out there that perpetually view their child(ren) as child(ren) that are incapable of functioning without them. They may hold this view subconsciously, but their actions are indicative of this view.
- 2 votes
Summer-1597193
Exactly what i am thinking. I am by no means to be regarded as an authority figure, she understands that, especially when it comes to everyday things such as what she wants to buy with her own money, and truth be told, i want her to be more independent since she will most likely outlive me. The issue with her comes when a decision needs to be made, and one that only concerns herself, she has a tendency to discuss it with people who may or may not have her best interests at heart, i want her to understand that in regards to issues that only affect her, she should not seek advice unless it is necessary. Thus, while my definition maybe incorrect, i consider it becoming more introverted.
moltke5104: you are confusing a personality type with an ability to function independently. They aren't the same. Bill Clinton is an extrovert. Would you say he is incapable of making a decision?
This is a family dysfunction. In every dysfunctional family, there is the controlling parent but there is also the enabling parent. If the mother is the controlling parent, then the father is the enabling parent. Both are at fault because the family dynamics could not exist if either one of them changed.
Your wife may need to go to therapy in order to break free of this family dysfunction. It is the only way she knows to relate to the world and relationships. In order to break free, she has to be strong enough to renounce her parents' dysfunction. Most people are not that strong without therapy.
You need to be careful that you do not become part of the enabling. In a dysfunctional family, everyone is forced into a designated role. They are obviously trying to force you into the enabling role. It is up to you whether they succeed or not.
But you should realize that if you don't, your wife may choose her family's dysfunction over you. If she can't bear to break free of their ways and you stand tight against them, she will have to choose. That choice may become a crisis on her part and may destroy your marriage if it is made under pressure from either side. In order for her to be okay with it, it has to be her choice, freely made.
Summer: Good points. Some parents cannot bear to let go enough to let their children function as competent adults. That's bad enough. This seems to go beyond that if it takes them hours to decide on a pizza order.
- 2 votes
Loretta Kemsley, excellent point about his wife potentially needing therapy. IMO, in order for him to avoid becoming the enabling party, and for her to not eventually resent him, he needs to not try to be her "teacher". Instead, he should encourage her seek therapy from a qualified therapist. When she asks him for advise on an everyday issue that she should be able to make without his input, maybe he should ask her what does she think? Maybe by asking her point blank what she thinks or wants and refusing to make the decision for her will force her to start making her own decisions. When she sees that nothing bad happens when she decides I need to buy this textbook/camera or I want cheese pizza - she'll start gaining some confidence in herself. You're also right that if she can't do this - she may seek solace in the dysfunction of her family - ending their relationship.
I don't know - I am no therapist. That doesn't sound like an easy situation. I am so glad my parents never did to me what this woman's parents have done to her. My parents always encouraged me to make my own decisions and deal with the outcome of the decisions.
I also agree that it goes beyond simply a controlling issue if it takes them hours to decide on a pizza order. I don't know all the dynamics involved, but certainly not dynamics I would want to have to deal with.
Loretta,
I can see moltkes point. While intro/extroversion may not have anything to do with the dysfunction she is involved in, the idea that you and I expressed (for example) that we like our independence and alone time means that we are self-sufficient and obviously make our own decisions and take care of ourselves.
Seperating the dysfunction from the personality type is correct but on the face of it I think moltke is looking at what looks like, on the face of it, a solution. I think we can understand why he would be searching for understanding and hope in this situation. I feel for him and his wife. Tough road.
I agree with both of you. Good points.
If he is going to get her help, he needs to focus on the dysfunction because the solution has to get rid of the dysfunction. By confusing it with a personality type, it only compounds the dysfunction.
But yes, I can see where he is seeking the solution while using the wrong term.
And yes, he needs to avoid becoming her new authority figure. That won't help the situation. The suggestion that he ask her opinion everytime she tries to get him to make her decision is a good one. She needs to learn to make her own.
I would also say, "I trust you to make a good decision. Let me know what you decide" and then refuse to discuss it any further. As long as the discussion remains alive, she is leaning on others instead of trusting her own ability to decide.
- 2 votes
“If she’s unmarried, what kind of moral values is she teaching her kids? Plus, she may expect me to always help her out if she’s got a problem.”
Apparently better morals and values than you sweetheart, and I don't "expect" help from anyone.
- 12 votes
#3 - Tue Apr 6, 2010 1:25 PM EDTwhat kind of moral values is she teaching her kids
I don't know, how about you don't have to stay married to someone who slaps you around! That you can find fun things to do on the cheap! That you have to love yourself and respect yourself and put yourself in the best possible postion to succeed in life, with or without a husband! How about that for starters!
- 10 votes
the values of feel-good psycho babble to justify an endless string of bad choices.
Oh, I see. So that's what they call mothers who stand up for themselves and their children. What a terrible thing to teach our daughters that they don't Have to have a man to survive. That they can be independent and take care of themselves. What a terrible thing to teach them that they should be with a man because they want to...not because they have to. Heaven forbid they grow up to become the kind of woman who doesn't stay with an abusive spouse because they're afraid to be alone, or don't think they can take care of themselves.
If that's "feel-good psycho babble" I'm all for it. At some point I will find a good loving relationship but until then I have 0 regrets or remorse for not teaching my daughter that being treated like crap is okay in any way.
- 10 votes
Tired of extremists:
Posts that degrade or devalue women are not allowed on my seeds. If you cannot respect this, then don't bother posting here. I will delete any further posts that contain comments like you posted above.
- 10 votes
Look at it this way Loretta - those posts are a good reminder to us single moms to be very careful and very picky about who we date and who we allow to meet our children!
Good article btw. Thanks for putting up something about single moms :) I haven't forgotten I owe you an email. Things got rather wild for me for a while. No excuse but just know I haven't forgotten.
- 4 votes
They certainly do remind us why we need to be careful of certain men.
Single mom articles just don't come along very often, do they? Although I don't agree with some points in the article, I liked it as a way of promoting discussion. And she does have some good point included.
As to owing me an email, whenever you get around to it. No offense taken. I've been battling allergies and asthma anyway. Got behind on my own mail too. Feeling so much better now. It happens in March every year now that I'm older. Oh, I take that back. It had to be happening every March when I was younger too. It just wasn't as bad. Must be global warming, not me getting older. LOL.
- 5 votes
I do relate to the points about more private time. I've only got one child and I love our private time. Since I hired a housekeeper, I can spend the whole weekend completely focused on her. It makes sense that so much one-on-one interaction can help development and I hope it does.
It has promoted a good discussion and has apparently brought out a lot of fabulous moms judging from the posts so far :) I love the positive attitude going on.
- 2 votes
I sympathize with all those women (and men in at least a few cases) who are single parents.
- 11 votes
#4 - Tue Apr 6, 2010 1:29 PM EDTJames - I too sypathize with Mothers whether single or married. It's a big job! "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world." That's a very big job, but a worthy calling.
Moms rule! ^ ^
- 11 votes
Well put, Vintage Viner.
Children in my humble opinion need love more than material possessions. And I question the appropriateness of two-income households with parents who shower their children with expensive gifts, take expensive vacations, own luxurious houses and multiple motor vehicles, but seem sometimes to fail to spend much time or loving attention on their children.
Indeed, moms (and dads) who raise their children well are doing very important work to prepare the humans who will be in charge in the next generation.
- 8 votes
We are a 2 income household, and while I do understand what you are saying, I also have to comment that we do the best we can without expensive vacations, a luxurious home-- we have 2 cars, does that make us multiple motor vehicles? I spend lots of time with my son-- every moment is precious.
I've never looked down on single moms, in general-- I look up to them. The ONLY time I've felt like a single mom was a crud was the druggy that was high all the time and her son took care of HER. Yes, I did the best I could to help the child-- but you can't do much from outside. We included her son in all our family activities and did the best we could for him. But we couldn't be his parents-- it is a fine line to cross and we couldn't cross it.
Well, I take that back. My husband and I reared my step-daughter, and I do look down on her mother-- not because I'm better, but because of the awful way she treated her daughter. She never showed up on holidays, she could never be counted on to do what was right for her daughter. Her needs and desires always came first. So, I take that back. Make it two very specific cases that I thought were awful. Other than that, single moms ROCK. I sure couldn't do it without the help of my husband.
- 10 votes
Some parents deserve to be looked down on, whether they are single parents or not. I know quite a few that I would love to punch . . .
- 8 votes
That's why we should stop pressuring women to have children. Men too, but I don't think men get as much pressure as women do.
Some people should not be parents. They don't have the interest, aptitude or skills they need. We should encourage them to do other things that match their interests and capabilities. The idea that women are selfish if they choose to be childfree is one of the most destructive attitidues our society exhibits. It is not fair to women or children.
- 10 votes
According to the US Census:
There were seven million families headed up by single mothers in 1990 and twenty million families in 2000. Today, over 15 million children under the age of fifteen live with single mothers, while some 3 million live with single fathers.
That's a significant number of single fathers. I found this interesting:
* Single fathers are more likely to live with another adult (33%) than single mothers (11%).
I wonder why more single fathers live with another adult than single mothers (on a percentage basis)?
- 9 votes
Probably because single fathers usually don't have custody and women don't mind the fact that a man has kids, whereas the woman usually has custody and a lot of men aren't crazy about other people's children. (Just an opinion)
- 8 votes
Those are good points. It could also be that men want a woman to help them with their kids, but mothers tend to be careful about letting men around their children. Worries about pediophiles and all.
- 10 votes
Super, I try to avoid men who have kids younger than mine. It would be hypocritical of me to kick a guy to the curb because he has kids, so I will compromise on that. Plus, I like kids. Usually, however, when a man has kids, the problem stems from his silly ass baby mama, rather than the fact that he has kids.
- 6 votes
Or, it could be the case with my step-daughter. Her mom did not want the responsibility of a child, so my husband reared his daughter alone, until I came along. :-)
We didn't live together until we were married-- I wouldn't. It wasn't right, because of his daughter.
- 6 votes
Man are you offbase. As a single mother I really take offense to your statement. I'm not psychologically damaged, my son (25) is/was never a delinquent in training, and I since I had/have a father and brother, there really was no need to find a man to take charge. And thank GOD, I didn't need him for monetary support either, because neither I nor his other 4 ex-wives received the amount of child support that was court ordered.
- 6 votes
Or maybe <GASP!> A....a...real family! (
That one I'll give you. Ideally, like a lot of other single moms I would prefer to have a good husband and "father figure" under the same roof.
Or more likely because single mothers can't control their kids and are looking for men to take charge of their delinquents in training? Or that single mothers tend to be psychologically damaged and guys just don't want the endless drama that comes with the baggage?
That is a judgemental load of crap. It sounds like you've been burned and have some residual issues maybe? I've met plenty of married moms who have 0 control over their kids because they're too busy buying into all of that "be a friend to your kid" b.s.
psychologically damaged Are you kidding me? If nothing else I am stronger and more confident than I have ever been because I know I can succeed in my career and be a dam good mother as well. I have to wonder...does a strong, independent woman who is with you because they choose to be and not because they have to be scare you or something?
- 4 votes
Or more likely because single mothers can't control their kids and are looking for men to take charge of their delinquents in training? Or that single mothers tend to be psychologically damaged and guys just don't want the endless drama that comes with the baggage?
What a load of crap. I am a single mother - my two boys are very well behaved. You know why - because I know how to be a parent. I have no desire to be their friend - they have plenty of friends. Guess what - the vast majority of single mothers I know are like me. Yeah, there are bad single mothers, bad single fathers, bad married parents out there - just like there are good single mothers, good single fathers and good married parents out there. As far as psychologically damaged goes - that's a joke too. I am self-confident and a strong person - something that most men like.
- 6 votes
I am self-confident and a strong person - something that most men like.
And something that others find threatening. If a man is threatened by that, they're not the type you'd want to marry anyhow.
- 4 votes
Justme: You are right - if they are threatened by a strong, self-confident woman, they aren't the type of man I want to be with anyway. :-) If they espouse the same attitude Tired of extremists has, I don't want to be with them - and I certainly don't want them around my boys. I am raising my boys to be respectful of themselves and others - including women.
- 4 votes
There are certain types of men who actually get jealous when they aren't the center of your world, and we all know as mothers, that our children are the center of our world, and rightfully so. Some men are not strong enough to handle that and try to compete with, or bully your children. Those are the types to steer clear of, immediately! No matter how much you like him, men come and go but your kids will be part of you forever. I've seen a lot of single friends with problems like this, and to be honest my mother was the sort to take a man and his needs over that of her children. I haven't spoken to her in years for her putting us unrepentantly last on her list.
- 4 votes
I don't bring men into my kids' worlds. They deserve better than a mom who plays Russian Roulette (sp) with their lives. I've been seeing a guy since 1998 (talk about staying power!!). My kids know of him; they've even met him a few times. But he is not a part of our world.
- 5 votes
I kept most of my relationships away from my kids. In one case, they already knew him. He'd been a friend for years before we began to go out. It's too hard on kids to have people coming into and leaving their lives, especially if that person poses as someone who really, really loves them.
- 6 votes
I too keep relationships separate - at this point, I haven't found the type of person I would want to bring into my children's lives. I'm not opposed to it - but it has to be the right man.
- 4 votes
Summer, Super, Menmy, and Loretta.... all four of you obviously put your kids first and take great care to do the right thing for them on this subject. For that I have to applaud all of you. I have great respect for women who do. On the news there are constantly stories of babies and children who ended up victims of their mothers' boyfriend. I might casually date after a while but they will not be around my daughter for sure.
- 4 votes
What too many single mothers do not know is that pediophiles will often woo the mother to get access to the children. They may even marry them. It's terrible to have to be suspicious of every man because of a few, but that's what single mothers must do.
In order to put their children first, they must refuse to buy into the pressure from others and society's ideas that a woman must have a man in her life. Any woman who feels incomplete without a man is going to be a target for abusers, whether those abusers are after her as a victim or her children. Abusers don't want independent women. They want dependent women because they are easier to manipulate and more likely to excuse bad behavior.
- 7 votes
Loretta, you just reminded me of a single mother of three I knew back in the mid-80s. What horrified me even more than finding out her new fiance was a convicted child molester was finding out she knew about it before they got engaged.
- 4 votes
Too many women are so needy they live in denial about the man they are with. Everyone else can see his problems, but she can't. It isn't love. It's neediness and a fear of being alone.
Back in the 1960s, men who were stalkers were described as being really, really in love and the women they stalked were chastized for not loving them back -- simply because the man wanted them. A lot of women were pressured into marring their stalkers because the syndrome was not yet recognized.
I'm hoping that the same progress will happen with women who are too needy and afraid to be alone to the point that they ignore serious problems in the man in their life. I'm hoping that we will stop pretending it is love and learn to view it as a serious problem that endangers her and her children (if she has any).
- 6 votes
5.6: Or maybe <GASP!> A....a...real family! (
That one I'll give you. Ideally, like a lot of other single moms I would prefer to have a good husband and "father figure" under the same roof.
"Real" families exist in all sorts of combinations. Pretending that there is only one "real" family model isn't helpful. The "real" family of man/woman/children can be the most destructive if there is violence or abuse. The same family sans the abuser can be the healthiest of families. Which should we choose? Should we classify the family with the abuser as the "real" family just because a formula is completed? Or should we recognize the "real" family is the one where everyone is safe and cherished?
- 4 votes
I do believe there should ideally be two parental figures. I also believe there should be some sort of influence from a member of each sex even if not in a "parental" role. I believe that children do benefit in different ways from each - male and female.
I hate the idea of my little one being from a split home, but am fully aware that an abusive home is much much worse. I can ensure that she is very much loved, supported, and well-cared for. If I succeed in all of that, and ensure that she is raised in a stable, positive environment, then I will have done my job as a mother and will have no regrets.
- 1 vote
Your comment reminds me of that song on Sesame Street about all the different kinds of families. I couldn't find a clip of the song but heres a sample of the lyrics:
http://www.kovideo.net/doing-the-family-thing-lyrics-sesame-street-663064.html
- 2 votes
Children need positive role models of both sexes, no doubt about it. But they don't need negative role models of either sex, just as they don't need negative friendships.
For children who do not have two parents in their lives, the positive role modeling can come from a variety of places, including family, friends, television, movies, church, school, sports, authority figures, etc.
We tend to forget it is the complete environment we create for them that rounds them out as people. The trick is to keep an eye out for adding more positive influences and deleting all negative influences, plus plenty of discussion about both.
- 5 votes
Summer, Super, Menmy, and Loretta.... all four of you obviously put your kids first and take great care to do the right thing for them on this subject.
Justme, Thank you, the same could be said about you.
- 1 vote
Thanks Summer. :) I probably dote too much on her but she is my reason for everything. My "inner mama-bear" needs a bit of taming really! I tend to be fiercely protective of my loved ones.
- 1 vote
Justme - I'm protective of my kids also. I like to let them make their own mistakes - but, I will protect them from people that they can't protect themselves against. That's part of our job as a parents.
- 2 votes
but, I will protect them from people that they can't protect themselves against. That's part of our job as a parents.
This is true. You know those discussions where everyone is talking smack about what they would have done to the guy if he had smacked their kid in Walmart? Well, I'm one who more than likely actually would have dropped him. I'm gonna have to do my homework soon though and learn ways to check my auto-response.
- 1 vote
We're all learning as we go, Justme! You're doing fine!
((((((((((((((Justme))))))))))))
- 2 votes
Justme: Like Dowser set, we all learn as we go along and do the best we can. I was at the grocery store a while back ago with my boys. They asked if they could have a lunchable. I decided that they could each pick out one - it's not something they normally get, and I thought it would be kind of a "treat" for them. My youngest asked if he could hold his - so I told both of my boys they could hold their own lunchable. The older one decided to tease the younger one and took his away. Naturally, my younger one, who was 4 at the time, began to cry. I told my older one to give it back to the younger one. Some elderly woman walked over to me - took it away from my younger one, smacked his hand, and told me "if you let them have their way every time they cry they will be brats". I reached out took the lunchable back, and told her "Next time you touch my kid I will break your teeth. You need to mind your own business - you are wrong in what was happening in this situation and I have it perfectly under control without your help." She got all indignant and stormed off. It was all I could do to not smack her for smacking my son's hand.
- 2 votes
If Heaven forbid, someone does put their hands on my kid like that I can only pray I handle it was well as you did!!
I do appreciate the vote of confidence from you and Dowser. Hopefully you never see me in the headlines lol!
- 2 votes
Oh my gosh. Strangers interfere, and often assume things that aren't true... but to smack your child's hand? Oh. my. gosh. Urge to kill--
Both of you sound like great moms to me! My kiddo is sitting beside me, right now, watching, (again), the sinking of the Lusitania on his computer!
We will NEVER see you in the headlines as anything other than Mom of the Year, Justme. Same with Summer! :-)
- 3 votes
Thanks Dowser {{{hugs}}} Have a fabulous weekend to you and to Summer!!!
I just posted a new seed about a woman who attacked a toddler on a plane.
Vegas Woman Accused Of Assaulting Boy On Plane
What's wrong with people that they think they have the right to beat up kids?
Kudos to all the mothers who protect their children from the insanity that others exhibit.
Summer and Just me, my hat's off to you. You handled those situations well.
- 2 votes
I've been a single mom for years. Some married mom's are really good; other's not so much. Most of the time I hear "I don't see how you do it". I'm a single mom in medical school and my boys and I live 15 hours away from the closest family member.
Like Loretta Kemsley, I feel a greater independence than when I was married (my ex was very abusive). Yeah, I'd have more "free time" if I didn't have kids - but isn't that true for married parents also? Yeah, life would be "easier" in some ways without kids - but I wouldn't change it for the world.
- 7 votes
#6 - Tue Apr 6, 2010 2:22 PM EDTParents...remember that your kids grow up! Being a grandparent and a greatgrandparent is the most awesome part of family life and makes it all worthwhile.
My children are all grown now, and when we girls, (Moms, Grams, and grands go shopping together we have an enormously FUN DAY together! Our family dinners to celebrate the Holidays are peaceful and very special, because we appreciate and love each other no matter what. I know how blessed I am. ^ ^
- 4 votes
You are blessed. I did not know my grandmothers. One died before I was born. The other lived half a continent away. Same for my grandfathers. But I did know aunts and uncles, friends and neighbors. Some of the latter felt more like family than some of the former.
- 3 votes
My best friend thinks my husband is the best man alive. She is a single mother through no fault of her own (her ex-husband and father of her daughter is a true POS). Do i think she is after my husband? Absolutely not! She reminds me daily to appreciate what I have and not take it for granted. I've been a SAHM, a working mom, a working single mom, a working mom with a great husband, so I can say for a fact: I DO sympathize with single, working moms. I am not jealous of the outrageous hours they have to work to provide a decent life for their child, or the time they sacrifice away from their child(ren).
I am incredibly lucky that I have a husband that is as dedicated to my children as I am and I can afford to work part-time to be with my children as much as possible, while still contributing to the household income.
To me, single mothers are NOT people to be jealous of , but rather people to admire.
- 10 votes
#7 - Tue Apr 6, 2010 3:12 PM EDTI'm a single mom of a 13-month old. It turns out keeping her father around would be a bad example to be setting for her in terms of relationships.
We may not get a lot of time together during the week, but when the weekends hit, and it's just us....we do exactly what we feel like doing at our own pace and it's Heaven! It is a trade off as far as the time thing so we make every minute count. Shopping for Christmas was a blast. I got to buy what I wanted. I found out white zin and wrapping presents are two activities that are perfect together. Slow dancing with a sleeping baby at midnight on New Year's is better than any New Year's celebration I've ever been to. Watching Dora, eating Cheerios, and snuggling on the couch are the best therapy after a rough work week. There are just too many perks to name!
I don't catch flak from anyone about being a single mother. Mostly people talk about how hard it is and how they don't know how we do it. Mostly I'm given props for what I do and admonishing to take care of myself too (not just the little one).
- 7 votes
#8 - Tue Apr 6, 2010 3:54 PM EDTJustme...
You are awesome! I love your post! I was a single mom for a while with my daughter, and I must admit, wouldn't change those years for anything! There are a lot of perks, and dancing at midnight with a sleeping baby sounds completely divine!
E
- 3 votes
Thanks ERich! :) Saturday mornings with just us girls makes the work week worth every minute. I never ever schedule anything before noon on Saturdays no matter what it is. The dancing at midnight with my little one was priceless and will be a nice story to tell her someday. I know I won't forget it!
Thanks also for the friend request :) Happy to accept!
- 3 votes
I also enjoy my just-mom time with my kids (ages 13 and 8). They spend time with their dad twice a week as well and sometimes he'll just take one of them, which also works out well so that they can have 1:1 time with each of us. I'd like to have more "free" time with either or both of them, under whatever circumstances, but single-momming sometimes makes it hard to get that, what with being so busy.
- 2 votes
but single-momming sometimes makes it hard to get that, what with being so busy.
This is true. My biggest problem was keeping up the house. I was lucky enough to find a housekeeper at a really good rate. That took a huge load off. My friends and family all know that Saturday mornings are off-limits to everyone. I used to feel bad about the amount of time I spend away from her but now I just focus on making the absolute best of the time we do get together. Lately it's become obvious she looks forward to the weekends as much as I do lol.
- 2 votes
Personally, I think that any married woman who looks down on a single mom who is doing her best for her kid(s) has a personal issue that her married state has nothing to do with.
My mom raised three kids essentially as a single parent and I remember how tough she had it but she was always there for us and we knew we could rely on her. That is one of the best things I took into my marriage and have provided for my own child.
envious of the single mom's independence
Marital state has nothing to do with independence. Being able to stand on your own two feet is vital for any woman or man.
- 3 votes
#9 - Wed Apr 7, 2010 1:04 AM EDTBut what irked her was why aren’t these women watching their kids practice softball? Why can’t they get organized and show up for activities such as volunteering to keep score or run the concession at the ballfield? Why are they always relying on us married moms?
Maybe because they have two incomes and can afford the luxury to volunteer their time instead of having to work as much as possible just to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. Free time is a luxury that many single parents don't have.
I cringe when thinking how some believe we chose it or deserve it because we are selfish or inept at love, or worse, that we’re careless women or hapless teens.
I very happily invite anyone who believes it was my personal flaws that lead to my divorce, to try and have a relationship with my ex-husband. If they survive, I *might* permit them to criticise me.
She may be a mother, but she’s still a woman. Who’s to say she won’t try and steal my man?
I can't speak for anyone else but I wouldn't want to have any kind of relationship with someone who would cheat on their partner, period. Why would I want someone who by the virtue of hitting on me while in a relationship has proven themselves to be a dirtbag? Maybe these women should be more concerned about the guys they married if they're so concerned about "their men" sleeping around.
If she’s unmarried, what kind of moral values is she teaching her kids?
Not to stick around in an abusive situation and die on behalf of "values" that view women and children as little more than disposable objects rather than human beings?
I was lucky to get my daughter into a fairly exclusive preschool. The other Moms who attend are all married and very well-off financially. Quite the bunch of pretentious and judgemental bitches. I don't envy those who live in bubbles because bubbles always pop.
My sister-in-law also treated me like dirt until my brother passed away. Suddenly, she has more empathy. But still she absurdly seems to regard herself as somehow possessing the moral high ground because, after all, her husband died, and I only divorced mine.
*shakes head*
- 8 votes
#10 - Wed Apr 7, 2010 4:03 AM EDTThe whole premise of the article got me thinking, though: Being a parent is hard enough. So is being a woman, sometimes. Seemingly pitting one "type" of mother against another like this feels...counterproductive?
- 6 votes
#13 - Wed Apr 7, 2010 12:56 PM EDTWow! Where to start, many years ago when I was newly divorced my brothers wife dissed me over all my "new free time" I now had when my daughter spent every other weekend with her dad. I will never forget the hurt I felt at that statement, I spent those weekends trying to regain my strength for the two weeks to come while recovering from the past two!
My daughter is now 26 now and I miss seeing her everyday more than any other thing in my life, but she did exactly what I wanted her to do, she grew up and became a responsible young lady with a life of her own. She always played sports, and I had bleacher butt to no end, late nights driving home from games, and almost always sharing good times.
Enjoy every minute! I am hoping that someday she will have some babies so that I can love on them, but mostly so she can know the love a momma knows!
- 2 votes
#21 - Fri Apr 9, 2010 4:34 PM EDTYour brother's wife was out of line. She was deliberately hurting you at a vulnerable time.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with a mother having free time. She can be a better mother if she can devoted some time to her own interests and regenerating her emotional and physical energy.
Second, she knew you did not change as a mother because you got a divorce. You were the same mother before, during and after the divorce.
You deserved better treatment. I hope that you recieved it at other times. If not, the shame and blame belongs to her, not you. You did a fine job of mothering your daughter.
- 4 votes
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