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Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse - & yet least talked about. Part of the reason it is so easy for people to overlook is that so that much of what is considered normal & acceptable forms of communication is in fact abusive. Many people don't know that they have been - or are being - emotionally abused. In addition, a lot of emotional abuse doesn't appear to be severe or dramatic, although its effects can be.
What is Verbal/Emotional Abuse?
Seeded on Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:23 PM EDT
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Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults, the most common definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents - whether intentional or not - that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person.
It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation & control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.
Harassment, physical & sexual abuse & witnessing abuse of others are also forms of emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse can take place anywhere: at home, at school, in relationships & in the workplace. Contrary to popular beliefs that bullies are only found in the school yard, many bullies also exist in the workplace
- 6 votes
#1 - Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:24 PM EDTThat's what my childhood was like, what my marriage was like, hmmm, could there be a connection?
- 6 votes
I really couldn't tell you which is worse, as I suffered both. But in a way, the beatings are easier to get over, those ugly words, they can stick around in your head for decades.
- 5 votes
Nan- you just said exactly what I was going to say. Having suffered emotional, physical and mental abuse...the bruises always went away a whole lot quicker than the alienation and words.
- 2 votes
There's no on better than my grandmother at emotional abuse. The form she dealt out was insidious. Took a really long time to address and (hopefully) throw out.
- 4 votes
#2 - Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:59 AM EDTThe reason I am interested in this topic is because I always know & feel this physical undercurrent whenever I encounter this type of abuse. It's like a live wire running through my body and when it happens, it starts humming and vibrating to the point where it can almost make me feel ill. I believe that level of aggitation is what is necessary to get me to lose my temper which in the two cases where I've encountered this is what the other party wanted. The adjectives used to describe me at these time all indicated that I was perceived as being cold, uncaring, unappreciative, not caring about their feelings, etc. I believe this was brought on by the fact that the more biazzare their behavior became, the more calm I became because I recognized the situation for what it was, a control mechanism and more often than not refused to participate. That's where the anger and accusation originated and once even an admission that I needed to get angry more.
The previous paragraph is the little stuff. The real reason I wanted to see this topic seeded is because of something it has in common with stalking which is called GasLighting. The term Gaslighting in general "is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception.
This puts it into the actual context to which I'm referring:
"Gas lighting
How many victims of gang stalking are aware of gas lighting? its a form of mental abuse aimed at a victim to convince them they are losing there mind. Things can be moved around the house or taken by the gang stalkers to confuse the victim. only when the victim renews the lost item will the original item turn up.
Things will be said to insinuate they're talking about you in negative or offensive manner which is designed to provoke a response from you. There conversation will virtually be identical to situation which as happened to you. Example...you lost your keys yesterday and still haven't found them ...you go to work the next day and your work mates are talking about a friend that lost hes keys last week and calling him a idiot ..the conversation will be held near you so you can hear everything they are talking about without directly having you in the conversation. of course if this happens just once its probably a coincidence but when it happens two to three times a week you could quickly become paranoid or begin to doubt your own sanity especially if other gang stalking practices such as stalking are going on. Don't question these people as a response is what they want and will only lead to more situations occurring in attempt to make you seem paranoid or appear mentally ill. Above all don't let it get at you. one of the symptoms of mental illness is a poor memory and this a technique used by gang stalkers to make the victim appear he as a poor memory, its just one stage in attempt to create a overall picture of a victim being unstable." This is also known as Workplace Mobbing
Or if just instead of hearing people at work talking about incidents that are occurring in your life, you read about them on message boards such as these where it is known that you participate. Or you receive emails, instant message, text messages, phone calls, real mail, etc. that also just so happen to mirror events occurring in your life. Gang Stalking
If you go to the Home page of the originally linked article you'll find an exercise you can complete in which you get to observe the abuse in play and you are asked to identify which one of the many named behaviors is being exhibited as they occur through the dialogue. I tried it for a while but then got really frustrated because the conversation started getting completely idiotic in my opinion.
I'll still checking all of the links but everything I've read so far has been very good insightful information.
- 1 vote
#3 - Sun Apr 18, 2010 4:21 AM EDTI hate these people, smart asses treating unsuspecting people like that.you can't watch your back when you are a smart ar&Se, they will get what's coming.
- 2 votes
#4 - Sun Apr 18, 2010 1:08 PM EDTIf you believe this article or the people who hold this philosophy, virtually everything is "emotional abuse" which in practice means NOTHING is. How are people to get through the day if they take ordinary behavior as "abuse"? Like that post above about the lost keys--why assume they are talking about YOU, unless you already think the world revolves around you? Or if someone ignores you and you call it abuse--how do you know they weren't simply lost in their own thoughts, and literally didn't even HEAR you? (I do this all the time, probably due to a neurological glitch along with a mild hearing loss. People who know me well don't mind, but I've managed to upset casual acquaintences this way and they would NOT even accept an apology although it's 100% beyond my control!) The more people are taught to fear and distrust others, including their own close friends, relatives, and spouses, the more paranoid and unhappy we're all likely to be. Has nobody heard of the "fundamental attribution error"?
#5 - Sun Apr 18, 2010 10:44 PM EDTI don't believe that "everything" is emotional abuse. Was just checking out your page, gee you're popular.
- 2 votes
If you believe this article or the people who hold this philosophy, virtually everything is "emotional abuse" which in practice means NOTHING is. How are people to get through the day if they take ordinary behavior as "abuse"? Like that post above about the lost keys--why assume they are talking about YOU, unless you already think the world revolves around you? Or if someone ignores you and you call it abuse--how do you know they weren't simply lost in their own thoughts, and literally didn't even HEAR you? (I do this all the time, probably due to a neurological glitch along with a mild hearing loss. People who know me well don't mind, but I've managed to upset casual acquaintences this way and they would NOT even accept an apology although it's 100% beyond my control!) The more people are taught to fear and distrust others, including their own close friends, relatives, and spouses, the more paranoid and unhappy we're all likely to be. Has nobody heard of the "fundamental attribution error"?
This is way more simple than you can ever imagine. No one continues to damage anything they value. If any of your friends or loved ones come to you and state that when you are doing certain things to them that cause them distress, harm or pain of any nature, the immediate reaction of a person who loves them and cares would be oh I'm so sorry, I wasn't aware, etc. and I won't let it happen again.
Anyone who can't or won't stop you need to get away from. And honestly I don't know which is worse one who can't stop or one who feels he doesn't have to.
Abusers blame the people they're abusing for being too sensitive, unreasonable or attempting to restrict the abusers rights and freedom by not allowing them to abuse with impunity.
But to create these scenarios where things disappear and then reappear, or you come home to find things moved around or you overhear conversations that you conducted in private somewhere now bandied about in a public place - that's real. And I can prove it's real because I've began documenting it many years ago after the courts refused to allow me access to enough information to even file a restraining order against any of them.
The last conversation I had with the last abuser ended with "Do you really think that everything just revolves around you convenience?" Geez, WHERE have I heard this before?
- 4 votes
#6 - Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:13 AM EDTI completely agree that if you repeatedly TELL someone that a certain action is causing you distress and they refuse to stop doing it, or if they refuse to go to counseling with you, that's a very serious matter and probably means the relationship can't be saved. But I've also seen many people who DON'T express their distress, yet claim they are being verbally abused. Some people's FIRST impulse is to serve their bewildered spouse with divorce papers without even trying to do the things a rational person would do, such as assertively explain the problem. To me, that is the ultimate cowardly betrayal and abuse.
As for "things disapprearing and then reappearing" or "things moved around", does that mean if I borrow an item or rearrange the furniture while my husband is at work, I'm trying to gaslight him? It's when you throw in things of THAT nature that you begin to sound mildly paranoid.
But I've also seen many people who DON'T express their distress, yet claim they are being verbally abused.
So a child has an obligation to know that it is verbal abuse and to express their distress to an abusive parent? As to victims of spousal abuse, saying something to their abuser can provoke worse abuse, including violence. I recently posted a link to an article where the woman (htrough therapy) realized she'd endured verbal abuse for more than two decades. She took a stand that she would not endure it anymore and was beaten for taking that stand.
Every person has to assess their own situation and make their decisions based on what is best for them.
Some people's FIRST impulse is to serve their bewildered spouse with divorce papers without even trying to do the things a rational person would do, such as assertively explain the problem.
There is nothing rational about confronting someone whose abuse may escalate. In cases where they can safely confront them, they often have and they have been ignored.
Studies show that women try to talk to their spouses about problems and their spouses refuse to discuss them, so the women file for divorce or leave -- and only then do their SOs want to discuss the problem. By then, it is usually too late because most women don't file for divorce until they are absolutely sure they are all done.
To me, that is the ultimate cowardly betrayal and abuse.
I see. So the person who has endured the emotional abuse is the true abuser because they decided they aren't going to take it anymore. Yeah, that makes sense.
- 2 votes
First, I was referring specifically to romantic relationships or marriage between two adults, NOT between children and parents or bosses and employees.
You seem to be assuming that all the men in the world are homicidal maniacs who cannot take constructive criticism, that all victims of verbal abuse are women, and that all perpetrators are men. I'm a woman, but that's both absurd and sexist. You DO have the responsibility to let your partner know what he or she is doing to offend you! If you really don't feel you can tell him, then ask him to go to counseling with you, because nobody is going to turn violent in front of witnesses. If need be, make it an ultimatum. I already said that refusual to go to counseling when asked is proof you don't really care about the relationship. (Obviously, if someone has been physically violent, that's a whole 'nother story, and it is NOT what I'm talking about.)
The bottom line is that people cannot read minds. My husband and I both have Aspergers Syndrome, which is very frequently undiagnosed. (It was only recognized in this country in 1994 and it is typically diagnosed in children, so most adults with it don't even know it.) The point is that this makes us especially prone to misunderstand each other. Something my husband does, very often, is to threaten to leave, INSTEAD of rationally explaining why he's upset. (It's possible he doesn't really know himself.) He has actually left a few times, including when our children (both on the spectrum themselves) were very young. We always reconciled eventually, but we're thousands of dollars poorer as a result of what I regard as his tantruming. (He has gone so far as to file for divorce and retain a lawyer at least three times.) Now, people have no problem telling me my husband is both childish and abusive as a result of this behavior, but funny thing, when a woman does what is basically the exact same thing, you think it's perfectly justifiable!
For crying out loud, this is why so many men make fun of women! Neurotypical women may be better at mind reading than I am, but very few men are. Another person does NOT automatically know he or she has offended you unless you take the reasonable risk of TELLING him or her. If you don't, YOU are the unfair bully. I once ran a rooming house with clientele consisting of a lot of recently divorced or separated men; they all said something to the effect of "I have no idea why she left me." We have a ridiculous divorce rate. The vast majority of divorces, about 70% are initiated by women, I'm sorry to say. Unless you really think MOST husbands are intentionally abusive, you have to see that something very suspicious about those statistics. Considering how harmful most divorces are to children, I do think we all have the responsibility to learn basic assertiveness and communication skills in marriage. Totally unrealistic expectations are abusive, too.
You seem to be assuming that all the men in the world are homicidal maniacs who cannot take constructive criticism, that all victims of verbal abuse are women, and that all perpetrators are men.
Not true, but when a man is abusing his wife, she has to be careful about criticizing him or she may be injured. That's reality. All domestic violence begins with emotional abuse, so the two are intimately related. To ignore that relationship would be to ignore the very real danger she might be in.
As to Asperger's, I know about it because of a loved one who has it. One researcher in England describes it as an extreme form of maleness because it magnifies traits we typically associate with being male (ie: great with systems, not so great with social skills). My daughter believes it is an form of evolutionary progress, providing us with the geniuses we need in our ever more complex society. I don't know if either is true, but they are both interesting concepts.
Some people (with or without AS) have social skills deficits. No doubt about it. They would do well to learn how to communicate better. But we cannot assume the victim of emotional or verbal abuse have an inability to communicate. They usually can communicate quite well but the person who is abusing them doesn't want to hear what they have to say.
I do not accept that leaving an abuser without explaining why makes the victim the bully. That's like saying the people who ran from the person with the gun are the true criminals. It is entirely normal to leave someone who is abusing you, whether that is a momentary encounter or a marriage. There is no reason to stay and be abused.
By placing the responsibilty on the victim, you are ignoring the fact that the victim cannot force the abuser to change. You cannot hold her/him responsible for behaviors that are out of her/his control.
Most people who use emotional or verbal abuse learned it as children. They do not view it as abuse because it feels normal to them. It is an inter-generational pattern that is hard to overcome. That doesn't mean they have AS or another disorder, but that is how they learned to cope with the world as children.
The only person who can change the emotional/verbal abuser is the abuser. They will only change when they are ready, not a moment before. It is the same with alcoholics, smokers and the like. No one can force anyone else to change. All the counseling in the world won't help if the abuser isn't ready to change. In fact, the abuse can get significantly worse with counseling if the abuser is not ready to recognize their problem -- and it is common for the abuser to use every counseling session to continue to abuse their victim.
It is up to the abuser --band no one e se -- to recognize they have a problem and to take the necessary steps to learn how to change.
- 4 votes
[[Some people (with or without AS) have social skills deficits. No doubt about it. They would do well to learn how to communicate better. But we cannot assume the victim of emotional or verbal abuse have an inability to communicate. They usually can communicate quite well but the person who is abusing them doesn't want to hear what they have to say]]
I just now caught this. Actually, what I was saying is that the so-called PERPETRATOR probably has a social skills deficit. That's why he comes across as so rude. If a person also has problems on the job or finds it hard to make or keep friends, that's just additional evidence. You're so caught up on demonizing people that you don't seem to undertand they may come across as rude or even "abusive" without REALIZING it, and that such people can be helped if they are 1) made aware of the problem and 2) they are willing to get help. Number 2 is on them, but number 1 is on the loved one.
I am not "demonizing" anyone. Stating that the problem lies with the perpetrator and not the victim is not demonizing. It is simply the truth.
If a person has a social skills deficit, then they won't have it just in a certain relationship. As you pointed out, they will also have it in other social settings. That means that they should be aware they are having problems in a variety of settings. Aspies in particular know that is part of their diagnosis. Most work on it as well as they can.
But most abuse is not caused by a social skills deficit. It is a deliberate way of interacting that they can choose to change.
Having a social skills deficit does not excuse the abuser though. Yes, they need to learn a better way. So do all abusers. Yes, the may not realize what they are doing is abusive. Same with all abusers. It is still the responsibility of the abuser to decide to change and to take the necessary steps to change.
- 3 votes
Actually, people are almost NEVER explicitly fired for social skills reaons and they aren't usually made aware of the problem. After all, it would illegal to fire someone for a neurological illness. Even if they were, they would be highly unlikely to extend that logic to their romantic relationships.
[[I do not accept that leaving an abuser without explaining why makes the victim the bully. That's like saying the people who ran from the person with the gun are the true criminals. It is entirely normal to leave someone who is abusing you, whether that is a momentary encounter or a marriage. There is no reason to stay and be abused.]]
Absurd analogy, since a mugger is a stranger to whom you owe nothing, but when you marry you nearly always make a lifelong vow to your beloved. You do this in front of a judge or clergyperson, usually in front of witnesses and often in front of your god. Once again, you are assuming that the standards of emotional/verbal abuse are something objective. If you're struck, you KNOW you've been abused. The more nebulous forms of alleged abuse generally have to to be confirmed with another person--hopefully a therapist, and ideally with a therapist who has seen both parties, either separately or together. Again, if one party refuses counseling, that would be proof he or she doesn't care, which would be in itself objective evidence of emotional abuse. But refusal to tell the other person what they're doing wrong is just plain cowardly.
You speak of alcoholics, smokers, etc., but how many people would ever recognize they had a problem if the dangers of smoking and excess drinking were never discussed? What if there was no publicity for treatment options? We would certainly have a far worse problem with these things than we do now. I'm old enough to remember when MOST adults smoked; it's now less than 25%, all thanks to widespread publicity. Who teaches people how to behave in marriage? Mostly we only have our parent's example, and with a 50% divorce rate, that's often not a very good one. In marriage, there's no such thing as "my problem" vs. "your problem." There's only OUR problem. This isn't to say that both parties are equally guilty, but it DOES mean you should at least try to get your spouse some help. If you can't, different story since as you say you can't FORCE them to get help. But you DO have the moral responsibility to try. Otherwise, the very concept of marriage is totally meaningless, and a wedding is nothing but a very expensive party where you force your friends to wear ugly dresses.
I don't agree with the theory that Aspergers is "extreme maleness" because the women I know with Aspergers, including myself, aren't necessarily typicaly masculine. We just have social deficits. Actually it seems a bit sexist to assume that being good with systems is a "masculine" trait. Think of the traditionally female fields--farming in many cultures, weaving, quilting. Aren't they also systems?
#7 - Tue Apr 20, 2010 7:32 PM EDTIf you want to argue with those who believe that AS is an extreme form of maleness, feel free. Here's a link:
Asperger syndrome - The extreme male brain theory
I have no opinion one way or the other on it, as I said before, except that I think it is an interesting concept.
You are correct in that women too can be systems oriented, so it may be very sexist for them to believe that. But our research into the brain has just begun, so I'm loathe to rule anything in or out.
I don't think that being masculine in appearance or manner is what they are referring to, so that shouldn't be a consideration either way.
Absurd analogy, since a mugger is a stranger to whom you owe nothing, but when you marry you nearly always make a lifelong vow to your beloved.
I didn't see anything in the wedding vows that said, "I promise to put up with your abuse and won't feel free to flee if you are abusive." Did I miss that part?
I've said it several times. You are choosing not to hear me: Most people who are abusive don't want to hear their victim when they are trying to discuss the abuse. It isn't up to the victim to force them to change. It is up to the abuser to choose to change. That includes choosing to hear what their victim is saying.
Who teaches people how to behave in marriage? Mostly we only have our parent's example, and with a 50% divorce rate, that's often not a very good one.
Which is why I said (on 6.4)
Most people who use emotional or verbal abuse learned it as children. They do not view it as abuse because it feels normal to them. It is an inter-generational pattern that is hard to overcome. That doesn't mean they have AS or another disorder, but that is how they learned to cope with the world as children.
Perhaps you should stop and reread what I'm writing until you hear me.
- 2 votes
In marriage, there's no such thing as "my problem" vs. "your problem." There's only OUR problem. This isn't to say that both parties are equally guilty, but it DOES mean you should at least try to get your spouse some help. If you can't, different story since as you say you can't FORCE them to get help. But you DO have the moral responsibility to try.
There's not a chance in HELL I'm going to lecture a victim of abuse on their moral responsibilities toward their abuser.
- 2 votes
The idea that abuse is "our" problem is just another way of abusing the victim.
The only problem of the victim is to get free of their abuser. Notice that she is not arguing a corresponding responibility of the abuser to help his/her victim get free of his/her abuse. If all marriage problems are "our problem," then it should work both ways, right?
But of course, that would be making the abuser responsible for their own actions instead of blaming the victim -- which is a favorite strategy of abusive people. It isn't the fault of the abuser, per the abuser, it is the victim's fault. If only the victim had done something different, then the abuser wouldn't have been abusive.
- 3 votes
[[The idea that abuse is "our" problem is just another way of abusing the victim.]]
If the abuser has no idea he or she is being abusive, then NO, the so -called abused is just as guilty. She or he took VOWS. I guess that means nothing to an atheist, but it means a lot to everyone else. If you took vows, and you meant them, then you are very responsible to the other person. OTOH, if that person won't listen to you (or their vows) and get help, then you have to get away.
[[All domestic violence begins with emotional abuse, so the two are intimately related. To ignore that relationship would be to ignore the very real danger she might be in.]]
Translation: A doesn't like what B is doing, but B may be unaware of that fact. A is justified in NOT informing B on the grounds that A "might" react violently, even though he or she never has in the past. B is somehow to blame for not knowing that A is offended. In fact, we get to call A an "abuser" with no evidence, something that can have serious ramifications on things like child custody, property distribution, and A's reputation. Of course it is impossible for A to defend himself or herself because that would be "catering to an abuser". The circular reasoning is breathtaking. This is the very definition of "Kafka-esque" carried over to the domestic sphere! Can you say "self-serving doublethink", boys and girls?
#8 - Tue Apr 20, 2010 7:39 PM EDTYour "translation" isn't even close to what I actually said. I do not intend to defend myself from such accusations.
If you decide you want to understand the principles I'm speaking of, here's a good place to start:
Coping in a Mentally-Abusive Relationship: Strategies for Dealing ...
Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often a prelude to physical abuse. ... most likely only lead to misery, more emotional abuse, and potentially violence...
When I see that you want to stop being so accusatory and want to hear what I have to say, then I'll respond again. Until then, there is no point in trying to discuss this with you.
- 3 votes
I completely agree that if you repeatedly TELL someone that a certain action is causing you distress and they refuse to stop doing it, or if they refuse to go to counseling with you, that's a very serious matter and probably means the relationship can't be saved. But I've also seen many people who DON'T express their distress, yet claim they are being verbally abused. Some people's FIRST impulse is to serve their bewildered spouse with divorce papers without even trying to do the things a rational person would do, such as assertively explain the problem. To me, that is the ultimate cowardly betrayal and abuse.
As for "things disapprearing and then reappearing" or "things moved around", does that mean if I borrow an item or rearrange the furniture while my husband is at work, I'm trying to gaslight him? It's when you throw in things of THAT nature that you begin to sound mildly paranoid.
Would you still consider me mildly paranoid if I told you I live alone?
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