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1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
Top five regrets of the dying | Life and style | guardian.co.uk
Seeded on Thu Feb 9, 2012 3:30 PM EST
Article Source: Guardian Unlimited
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4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
- 2 votes
#1 - Thu Feb 9, 2012 3:32 PM ESTWhat an article to share! It's a timely article to read for me as I witness my father's wife cope with having Stage 4 lung cancer.
My father and step-mother (his third wife) have only been married for about 14 years now. She found out about the cancer about a 1 1/2 years ago. It's still there but seems to have gone into some kind of remission. The tumors have shrunk (thankfully) and she's currently experiencing a relatively symptomatic-free life (which is also good!).
But it's been a struggle for her. And, as it's been a struggle for her, I see the struggle my father experiences as he see his wife experience the dreadfulness of Stage 4 lung cancer (when she was more symptomatic). The struggle isn't just coping with the nausea and vomiting and weakness and the shortness of breath. The struggle that they've been sharing together is her desire to be with her family who live in New York while they live in Florida. Sadly, this has been an issue for nearly the entire 14 years of their marriage. It's only more pronounced, now, that she does have this dreadful disease.
She wants to be happier. A huge part of the happiness is being "true to herself" and being with her family and friends who live so far away. Dad has been VERY supportive of her frequent travels to NY. They even purchased a nice-sized and comfortable camper (purchased before they found out about her cancer) so that they can now be typical "snow-birds" and spend nearly a half a year in New York to be close to family. I've even had frank conversations with her that basically showed strong support should she decide to live up here permanently, and be with her family and friends for the remainder of her days.
And yet. . . they're still in Florida. . . and she still struggles with her separation from her family. And I hear the pain and fatigue in my father's voice when I talk to him on the phone.
Without a doubt, they love each other and seem to be committed to their marriage. They both seem to have healthy support systems in Florida as well as in New York. Yes, my father loves Florida. I also know, in conversations that I had with him over this past summer, that he is supportive of his wife should she decide to permanently up north. Yet, they seem to hang on to the idea of living in Florida.
My father is also experiencing the realities of growing old. He has osteoporosis and joint pain. His memory is also failing him. It's actually SAFER for him to live in Florida. First, it's warmer there during the winter months. This significantly helps ease his joint pains. My step-mother also admits to the benefits of the warm Florida weather during the winter months. Their condo is on the ground level which adds significantly to his safety as he copes with a staggering gait when he walks. My father considers Florida his home. It's his first and only home that he's ever had. (He's a retired Priest and never owned a home. A house was always provided us by the churches that he served.) Owning his home is a big deal for him. So, I can see WHY my step-mother is a bit reluctant to want to move away from their home in Florida. She does love him. She also want to ensure his safety as he get older.
So. . . what's the point with my now-rambling post here?!? I honestly don't know if there is a point.
Facing one's mortality can be quite complicated, though. There can be circumstances that we allow to "prevent" us from being with family and friends. Being happier or contented is hard to realize sometimes as we live out our day to day lives. Often we're faced with tough decisions to be made which doesn't necessarily make for an entirely contented life. And yet, we deserve to be at peace with ourselves. If our support system intimately involves our family, we deserve to be with them.
I wish my step-mother would just move up here. If it means a long separation from my father, then so be it. I KNOW he would support that decision should she decide to make such a move! They can be together when my father feels that the warmer spring and summer months are there to help bring him comfort that he deserves.
It seems that making those heart-felt decisions that ensure a more contented life is tough. It pains me to see them both not contented at this stage of both of their lives. They're not exactly miserable. I don't want to paint a picture that they spend each moment of their lives feeling miserable. But they both don't seem to be as contented or at peace with themselves as one would wishes them to be as time passes them by.
I have no doubt that there will come a time when my step-mother makes that final decision and moves up to New York to spend the rest of her days with her family. Watching along the side-lines as she goes through the process of making that one important decision is painful to see, though.
Coping with the realities of our mortalities seems to be a process. Elizabeth Kublier Ross (sp??) wonderfully talks about this in her book on death and dying. In the meanwhile those watching along the side-lines can only really watch. . . and offer support, of course. I hope for my step-mother to experience that peace that she so richly deserves. And, I hope for her to experience this LONG BEFORE she succumbs to the lung cancer.
It always seems to be a process. . . .
(Apologies for the rambling. I just needed to type and type. Trust me, there's more typing that I need to do. Peace to us all.)
- 1 vote
#2 - Thu Feb 9, 2012 6:22 PM ESTWhy are you apologizing for such a profound post? I thought it encompassed so much of what we all experience as our loved ones or our Selves face the end of life.
The sense of finality is what can motivate us to make decisions we might not make if it was not there. Hopefully, those decisions will move us in the right direction, but they don't always. The fact your parents are taking their time to struggle through all the options is probably good. There is a lot to consider.
When I was in college, one of my professors told me to set goals for my life by writing my own obituary. How do you want it to read? he asked. That was an amazing exercise -- and the answers have changed over the years.
I'm 66 now and still in good health, so I feel blessed. I want to examine these issues again and set new goals, a new obit so to speak. Or bucket list, if you prefer.
There are many things I've wanted to do and have not done. They're on my bucket list. There are new things I had not considered before but sound fun. They're on my bucket list too. But most of all, my biggest goal is my legacy. What do I want it to be?
Some of it would be small. I want to ensure my heirs know why I kept and treasured certain items: my grandma's old treadle sewing machine is obvious but not so obvious is her plain glass vase with grasshoppers as feet. It isn't a good quality glass or even well formed, but it was a reminder to my mother about the depression they lived through, a time when her mother couldn't afford nice things and then she found that piece in a box of soap. She was delighted to have something new for her kitchen and kept it until her death. Something cheap, obviously, but also something she couldn't have or wouldn't have bought for herself because she had kids to take care of. So for my mother, it symbolized all her mother gave up in order to ensure they had enough to eat and clothes on their back. It's a family legacy carrying our history. It's important to me that history gets passed along.
To me, this is the most important thing: communication with those I love. It sounds as if that's important to you and your family too.
- 4 votes
I seem to be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. Mainly, it involves seeing my parents age. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer a few years ago. We spent a lot of time together then while she went to her bi-weekly chemo treatments. Interestingly, she "sailed" through both the chemo and radiation therapies with minimal side-effects. Today, she's doing quite well. She's the happiest I've ever seen her. She keeps herself busy doing the things she likes to do for herself and seems quite content with her life.
To be honest, I never thought I would see her so content, so at peace with life. Four decades ago, she was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Apparently, it was a common diagnosed back then, seemingly freely given to women who acted "strangely". Treatments back then included the more cruel electro-shock therapy (quite different that what's used today, apparently), and medications. There was a point where she barely recognized her children. Sadly, she didn't have the presence of mind to bring up her children. THAT task was delegated to my father after their divorce. (She wanted the divorce, by the way, even before the illness. Still, back then, she could not safely and competently function as a parent in bring up two children.)
Throughout the decade, though, she managed to keep her head above water. She was only hospitalized for whatever mental illness she had twice that I know of. The rest of the time was spent on welfare (briefly for a few years), then finding work, then working and managing her life as she saw fit. During the last three decades (actually), she managed to work full-time and manage her affairs quite independently. She saw her step-father then her mother die during this time. It seemed as she experienced each life-crisis, she got better, more confident, more at peace. She finally retired from her full-time job at the age of 71. She ONLY retired then because the place where she worked closed down. After her retirement, she (FINALLY) moved closer to me. So, instead of living 200 miles away, she only lives 21 miles away.
I can tell much more about my mother. She really is an amazing person. Throughout the decades, she lived in situations where most would find quite alarming. Today, though, she's living in a subsidized senior apartment. It's heaven to her. Quite frankly, it's heaven to me. She's social, goes to all of her doctor appointments, makes arrangements for transportations to go to these appointments and seems to enjoy every minute of the day.
I ALWAYS thought it would be my mother I would have to worry as she grew older. So, far, that's not the case. It's my father who seems to be aging the quickest. He's in his late 70s which, in my opinion, is still quite young. Except he seems to be 78 going on 88. Seeing him age so breaks my heart.
You wrote something that I'm finding to be absolutely true:
To me, this is the most important thing: communication with those I love.
I'm coming to the conclusion that, in the end, THIS is the bottom line. I communicate with my father who lives in Florida on a weekly basis. I see my mother whenever her schedule permits! LOL! We talk on the phone at least a couple of times a week.
Many of my co-workers have already faced the death of their parent. My loving wife lost her father almost 19 years ago. I still have both of my parents and I find it difficult imaging life without them. THIS is my middle-age crisis.
Yet. . . we all die. It's one of those exceedingly cold facts of life. We don't know when we're going to die. Often, we can't even control HOW we die. Several years we lost four wonderful friends in a freak car accident. They were in their early 40s, then, and still had a whole lot of life left in them.
As corny as this may sound, the concept of living "One Day at a Time" seems a sound one. It seems the only way to live life if one sincerely wants some semblance of peace. That and surrounding yourself with the ones you love, and being free to tell them the love you have for them. Those corny "I love you"s are important, it seems. They are to me.
Like I said (in not so many words) in the original post, finding Peace seems to be a process. Learning to live, learning to accept death and learning to die is all a process. Right now, I'm not there. I'm not at peace. I'm still going through the process. . . I guess it's part of the middle-age crisis.
But. . . I've seen Peace. I see it in my mother. And, I've seen it in the eyes of many an individual as they breathed their last breath. The people who WANT to be surrounded by the ones they love seem to die the most peacefully. Not always. The process of dying (again, the word, "process"!!) is quite individualistic. Mostly, though, I've had the privilege of witnessing very Peaceful deaths as the person dies surrounded by loved ones.
I wish that for everyone. . . to be surrounded by their loved ones (if they so chose) as they pass away.
In the meanwhile. . . we need to live life. So. . . it is important to surround oneself with people who care for you and you care for. It is important to at least work towards realizing goals and dreams. It is important to listen to one's favorite music. It is important to walk along a sandy beach on a cool afternoon, if that is what you want to do! It is important to move to New York if that is where your family lives. It is important to say, "I love you" to your special someone. It is important to read a good book. It is important to enjoy one's job. It is important to compose music if that is your goal.
We're all going to die. What better reason to live and to help others live. . . life to the fullest. And, be at Peace.
It's a process. . . .
- 2 votes
ICU Nurse What a lovely and heartfelt post on your thoughts and feelings about life and the ultimate leaving this body for another journey that we all must make. Speaking for myself I have always tried to walk the path between doing what was expected of me and also following my own path.
At 72 I have very recently had more thoughts of death and passing with dignity and peace. When I was young I had a mental health event and became very Depressed, Clinical depression. It almost won the battle I waged with it for nearly 2 decades. As I healed , I realized that when in the clutches of depression and I had wished to die, God gave me the strength to persevere. It was a fight to the "Life" for me, to finally win the War, to live , laugh, love and be grateful for the out come.
I wanted to be able to come to the ending of my lifetime with "no regrets". For the most part I have managed to live that dream. Maybe not completely, but enough that when I am on my last earthly day, I can truly say to myself that, for the most part, "there are no , I ' wish', I had done".
Of course there are moments in time, when we have no control over what is playing out in our life. These are the hidden elements that we can not totally prepare for, or control. I lost my husband, who I was going to grow old with at the end of a very long life, when we were both 40 years old. My greatest regret is the time wasted with the depression. Time that I could have spent loving and enjoying the gifts I had been given. When we are young it seems we do not "fathom" old age and death. We knew we were going to live forever,young and golden.
After that period of depression and death, I made up my mind to live a life that would make me happy. Live my own expectations that I made for myself and if it did not suit others, then I gave them permission to find their own path, that would make them happy also, no regrets.
- 3 votes
kjpxxx -
Thank you for sharing your story. Your story is very inspirational and, for lack of a better way to put it, soothing.
To be very honest with you, I never talked to my mother about her mental illness. My sister has. I haven't. All I know is that I appreciate her and how she feels about herself and her take on life. We've talked about many other things including life and death, but not that period in her life that she experienced 40+ years ago.
You seem to have not only survived the trials of life but seem to be thriving! What a wonderful gift. What a wonderful story to share and to read.
I wish you well. . . and that your journey continues on with no regrets!
:)
- 3 votes
Thank-you for the friendship and your kind words. I have a daughter and she asks me questions about that time , as she was a baby. I believe I had post-partum depression that went untreated for what it was. Post partum depression can make one truly suicidal. No one ever said the words Post-partum. I studied it in school, but it never even entered my mind until years later. I had a series of miscarriages in a relatively long period of time [7 years], 5 to be exact and they were mid-term. My only surviving child weighed only 1.9 oz and was 12 1/2 inches long.She is the daughter I speak of. Because of the shock treatments, I remember very little of her first 5 years of life. Sad,very sad. I am grateful for healing and the doctors that gave me tools to conquer my illness, but I wish it had never happened. I am a believer that everything that happens in our life, is for a reason. I just needed to find out what I needed to learn from that experience and I have. I Cherish every moment of life and as I age I look forward to the next phase...Thank you for your kind words , have a productive and happy life. Karen
- 3 votes
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
I don't know I have always lived true to who I am I have never been a conformer and right now I wish I was more like people who stay in line and do what is expected. I have taken chances and failed and failed. I am healthy I have focused on that for most of my life. But i tend to go the other way of a crowd. I wish I had found a big company and worked for 30 years and had a nice retirement. I have been really kicking myself over this. My way ain't working that's for sure....
- 1 vote
#3 - Thu Feb 9, 2012 6:59 PM ESTI made similar choices and about a decade ago, was regretting them, mostly because I was getting older and worried about finances in my old age. Sometimes I still think about it, but I know I would have spent my entire adult life unhappy if I'd made the choices my friends made. Conversely, a friend who made the choice and stayed with one employer, got her pension, etc, tells me I made the right choice and she wishes she'd had the courage to do the same.
I don't think there's any one answer for everyone. We all give up some things to achieve others. Sometimes those choices make life harder, sometimes easier. But for me, it wasn't my choices that made my life harder -- usually. It was what life brought to me. Like two serious earthquakes. They sure cause a lot of havoc. And the ill health of others I love. Or problems they cannot handle alone.
If you've tried a lot of things, you haven't failed. You've learned something from each of them. The key is to winnow out what you've learned and can apply to the future. Setbacks can be catalysts to something new and better.
- 3 votes
Lisafrequency -
My first step-mother (I've had two. . . thanks dad! LOL!) seems to have been in a place where you seem to be at present. A few years ago, she shared similar concerns and regrets. Interestingly, divorcing my father was one of them. Certainly, though, not having a stable income throughout much of her adult life was a HUGE regret. Rather, she took the "other" choices. For good or for bad, this included divorcing my father. But it also included pursuing her passion which is art and painting. Let's face it, one generally doesn't make much money as an artist. . . and there seemingly exists a billion of them eyeing to sell their work to the same buyer.
Yet. . . she carried on with pursuing her dream. . . her passion. She now has a faithful group of students to whom she teaches painting. She shows her paintings and even sell several of them each year. She ain't rolling in the $$$$$, but she's able to pay her bills and have money left over for other outside interests. Each year, she plans "painting trips" and has a faithful following that go with her and paint and sight-see. Last year, she went to Paris France. The year before that, it was Italy.
And why do I share all of this? Because, clearly a few years ago, she was quite depressed over the choices she made in life. She was feeling financially vulnerable which added to her depression. And, I wish not to see people fill their hearts with regret and depression over choices made in life. Although she may be a "former step-mother" she's still an important person in my life. She may have made regrettable choices, but she learned from them and grew. She grew in confidence and seems more at Peace with herself.
It is this confidence and Peace that I also wish for you. . . . which is why I'm writing this post.
Loretta Kemsley shared some wise words in her post above. Learning and growing may be difficult and even painful sometimes, but it seems to be an important part of the process in finding one's confidence and ultimately finding one's Peace. I would also add that if you don't have a support system, find one. Establish one. Be not alone. Surround yourself with the people who care for you and you care for in return. This also seems to help build a sense of Peace. It certainly can help keep one focused when pursuing specific goals. My step-mother wasn't alone as she struggled through her issues and choices in life.
Please forgive me if I somehow over stepped a boundary. I share this only because I struggle with similar issues. But deep in my heart I know that there exists a sense of self-worth which is precious like gold. That sense of self-worth includes keeping to a minimal those strong feelings of regrets for the choices made or not made in life. As wonderful as it would be, we don't hold the ability to see into the future. Sure do wish we could. But we can learn and we can grow, and we need not be alone as we do so.
And finally. . . it's really O.K. to say "I made some pretty WONDERFUL choices in life" as well. It's interesting to read that your friend seems to envy the choices you made. If, at the time, they gave you meaning, then why not say, "they were GREAT choices!"???
Peace. . .
- 2 votes
Thanks girls. I will be able to say I did it my way. Maybe instead of waiting for the limb I am out on to break i need to just jump off of it.
- 3 votes
"Girls"???? LOL!
My most loving wife might say otherwise.
LOL!
- 2 votes
"Girls"???? LOL!
How sexist of me sorry for making the assumption...
Err umm-
Thanks ya'll :p
- 3 votes
ICU nurse...I am a RN, first and a Social worker . I was not great at nursing, it did not challenge me enough...[in those oldy but goody days].so I switched and in social work it served me very well...
but, I had the experience to have a very personal type surgery that involved my nether regions and had the good fortune to have my first male nurse assigned to me..I cringed at first and thought I would die having him change the bandages in such a sensitive area, every 3 hours at first, help me in and out of bed, yada, yada...but I am here to tell you I received the most professional and excellent care I have ever had in a hospital....
So, I am here to say...good for you and hope you enjoy your work.....
- 3 votes
Hi again, kjpxxx -
Glad to read that you had a good experience with your (male) nurse. I hold the opinion that all healthcare professionals should be held accountable to providing the best and most respectful care. Glad to read that the care you received was "professional and excellent"!
My hat's off to you for the role and responsibilities that you had as a Social Worker. I know that that arm of the healthcare profession can be quite the challange at times. Kudos to you and the work that you provided.
Cheers. . . . :)
- 3 votes
Over one and a half year ago I thought I might have lung cancer. I had watched and cared for both my parents while they slowly died from cancer. My first response was tears of fear that I might suffer the ravages of this horrible disease. But then a peace came over me and I felt comfortable with dying not suffering mind you but leaving this body I currently occupy. The only regret that came to mind was not having traveled abroad. I always wanted to see much of the world but that in the final analysis was not a big regret. I have always traveled my own path even though there have been times I have had to deal with backlash and jealously from others because I did not do what was expected of me but still I am content.
- 3 votes
#5 - Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:56 PM ESTA fantastic seed and fantastic comments. Currently I'm starting to look at all 5 of the regrets and believe the nurse who kept tract of the comments must have done a pretty good job. Consider myself lucky that mom is still alive, have a great sister, a wonderful/fantastic girlfriend. My years are numbered and have begun to look at each of the written about regrets, very closely.
- 3 votes
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